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The Absolute Worst Bits


Father's day 2017. I could write an inspirational message to all you Dadventurers and wannabe Dadventurers out there about how they've made me as a man and how they've become the source of inspiration for every adventure since. I could talk about how my family is my focal point and how time with them is the time I look forward to, the time where I am truly me. Or I could take a quick look back at some of the absolute worst bits... the bits where you just have to laugh, or else you'll cry.

1. Gravity Defying Poo

Every now and then, usually on one of our adventures so it has more of an impact, my little physicists come up with an antidote to gravity. I'm hoping they still know the secret when they're old enough to write it down for me - it might be worth something. On these rare occasions, both my son and daughter have managed to poo so far up their own back that its impressive... I'm talking shoulder blades, I'm talking an 18 or 19 babywipe-r (the official Dadventurer scale for poo-splosions!), I'm talking "oh my god you're going to have to tag in - I'm going to faint". Thank whichever god you believe in that it is not a more common occurrence. I'm thanking my stars that it hasn't happened when we're really remote, but I fear the side-of-the-road 20 babywipe-r is a real posibility.

2. Stale Puke

Babies puke, toddlers puke, everybody pukes once in a while I guess. As a parent you clean up your fair share. It isn't too bad, usually a fairly innocuous, wipe it up and throw it on the fire kind of affair. But there's a certain vintage of puke, a certain amount of age that turns the job into an absolute nightmare, especially out in the open! I opened the tent once where Isla had been sleeping in had to turn and run. That little run-away was followed by a combination of scraping, wiping, and retching as I tried to salvage Isla's sheets, travel cot and tent wall - yes wall! It was four or five washing cycles later before I dared to re-use those sheets!

3. Inconsolable Tears

There's a powerlessness that you feel as a parent when your child cries and you can't figure out why... Not hungry, thirsty, wet or in pain, but inconsolable. The hugs just aren't cutting it, they're so tired they are past sleep but they've gotten bored of the car seat and the usual tricks that bring them back just don't seem to be doing the trick. It is awful. Like a kick in the soul, an emptiness that spreads from your heart, you want to cry with them so that mum will just make it all go away (exactly what we need to go away is still a mystery but mum will know!) It's not all bad though, she just chill out eventually and goes to bed :)

4. Our new Definition of a Tidy House

Now I'm not kidding myself, I've never been the tidiest fella, my work desk can account for that (Sorry boss!) I leave my fair share of random stuff on the kitchen table on my way to the fridge when I get home (Sorry wife!) But tidying the house has become the most futile of jobs... I kind of feel like we move everything from the floor and worktops, clean everything then just spread all the toys, instruments, drink cups, books etc back out where they were... and when I say WE I actually mean THEY!

5. Our Open Door Policy

This has been enforced on us by our little ones who do not want to be left out... of ANYTHING! It has become very rare that my wife or I can find a private place to sit, in fact any time we sit we are accompanied by an inquisitive toddler passing us toilet roll or pointing out bits of anatomy. And even instructing which leaf I should be aiming at when weeing out bush! She's developed an annoying habit of being in charge of the shower gel too which is a complex game of rationing, negotiation and eventually just using shampoo instead!

It is fair to say that these times have tested my metal and constitution and will yours too. Parenthood is a consistent test and an equally consistent reward. Whether your Dadventure sees you climb a mountain or barely climb off the couch today enjoy it all. Kiss them, hold them, make them laugh. Happy Fathers Day

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